Darren Daulton interviewed
July 29 2006
| By Dennis Bakay
| 
Discuss
I recently sat down with Darren Daulton for an interview on the beach near his home in Florida. As you are well aware he has given interviews on the subject of metaphysics, which is a belief in the mystical philosophy concerned with explaining the world. He feels there is a 5th dimension and that many people are relegated to five senses, but he’s on a plane that few people can recognize. So, with much ado, here is the interview with Dutch.
Phillypurge: Mr. Daulton, it’s a pleasure to meet you and a true honor
to be able to interview you.
Darren Daulton: Thanks-I’m glad to answer any questions for your fine
website Dennis.
PP: So, the question I’m sure you get asked the most is, why do you
believe in metaphysics?
DD: Well Dennis, it all goes back to that time I had that game-winning hit
against the Cubs in Wrigley field and after the game I was crying and my
wife at the time asked me “what is wrong, you just had a game-winning
hit.” I was like, “that wasn’t me who hit that ball.”
And, I could feel something controlling me. And, right then and there I
knew there is more to life than what meets the eye. Look at this horseshoe
crab shell here. It’s a shell and you would say it’s made of
matter. But, there’s a twin of this creature on the other side, living
and breathing.
PP: But, Darren it’s dead, it can’t possibly have a twin on
the other side right at this moment.
DD: Well, see that’s what you don’t understand. It’s not
dead, it has continued into the fifth dimension.
PP: I guess you’re right. I didn’t think about that.
DD: Obviously.
PP: What do you make of the Phillies off the field these days, particularly
the Brett Myers incident?
DD: You see Dennis, I live in the 5th Dimension, you reside in the 3rd dimension.
In the 5th dimension smacking your wife around is the best way to develop
your change-up, if you could see beyond your own nose, you'd know Brett
Myers was just trying to help the team.
PP: Well, what do you think is wrong with your former team the Phillies? I’m sure you are aware they aren’t a very good team.
DD: To be perfectly honest, I haven’t watched them too much. Here
and there I check to see how they’re doing, maybe a game a month or
so. I hear they’re not doing as well as people would like.
PP: Well you could say that. They pretty much stink. Darren, they’re
eight games below .500. Did you know that?
DD: Well, it’s all kind of relative man. You see your mind creates
the reality that you live in. You could tell me they stink, but I could
see them totally differently. I can imagine them as a team playing forty
games over .500 and averaging 7 runs per game and giving up 2 runs on pitching.
PP: Darren, that’s impossible they-
DD: Just one second, let me finish. You could imagine them as a dominant
team and they will be. You have got to believe man.
PP: Are you serious?
DD: Don’t laugh when I tell you that man. See I heard Charlie Manuel
has been ridiculed and called a bumpkin and a rube. Well, right now look
at me as I do what I call “the mantis.”
PP: The mantis?
DD: Yes, I close my eyes and get into a position like a praying mantis,
which is the god I worship.
PP: You worship a praying mantis?
DD: Yes. Now, look and watch me. I’ll channel the 5th dimension into
my 6th sense right now….
Ok. I see a man in Charlie Manuel who is a brilliant man, and not a man
who is dazed and confused. I see a man who has the answer.
PP: Just what answer is that?
DD: Again, it’s not funny. Just listen. The answer is that this team
is a great ball club in contention for the World Series. Right now, they
are 42 games over .500. And, Manuel has redefined baseball in Philadelphia.
PP: Well, you’re not far off on that! But, listen Darren this-
DD: Dennis, this team is a bona fide World Series contender and will end
the curse.
PP: Darren, this team sucks. Can I just be blunt? They’re a $90 million
waste of money and a complete embarrassment.
DD: That’s just your perception man. Your mind is fooling you into
believing that.
PP: Yeah, I guess you’re right. They must be a World Series contender.
I don’t know what I’ve been missing. You’ve got me sold.
DD: I don’t know if you seriously believe me man.
PP: Oh, I’m a believer. With that being said. Do
you think the Philadelphia fans can imagine our 23-year championship drought
is over?
DD: Absolutely. You have to have the gift to believe. Everybody
can do it, but it takes a huge commitment on your part. You can't do it
without being committed.
PP: That’s not the only thing that should be committed.
DD: What did you say?
PP: So, Darren what else will it take for this team to
become a true playoff contender?
DD: All these guys need to do is "be the ball."
In batting practice I used to put on a blindfold and have Greg Gross throw
to me. I would "be the ball"…I hit every single pitch over
the fence. I even once hit one off the liberty bell at The Vet. Sometimes,
it even helps if you make noises that sound like the effects from the Six
Million Dollar Man.
PP: Wasn’t that from Caddyshack?
DD: Never saw it.
PP: There has been rampant speculation that the '93 Phillies may have been
a group of 'roided out speed freaks. What do you say to these allegations?
DD: That's an outrage. Half the time it wasn't even us out there. Not only
I, but the entire 1993 Phillies resided in the 5th dimension. I pinch hit
once and I swear I was sitting on the throne in Uganda.
PP: Who was hitting?
DD: I think it was Dick Clark.
PP: You've kind of tip-toed around the steroid allegations.
DD: I swear on John Kruk's remaining testicle that we did not use steroids.
PP: Ok, Darren it was an honor to interview you and gain insight into how we can believe the Phillies are a winner, and to end this awful championship drought. Maybe, just maybe the Philly fans can end the curse by following your insights.
DD: Whatever man. You can doubt it all you want. But, I believe.
PP: So do I!
Contact Dennis Bakay at dennisbakay@phillypurge.com
