The Sports Fans' Constitution

January 25, 2007 | By Matthew List | Discuss

We the sports fan’s of the United States of America hereby swear ourselves to these rules of sport Dom. Although we are a free people we realize that for the good of our citizens and the good of the common beer drinking couch potato/ degenerate gambling junkie, certain laws must be adhered to. These laws are included here within.

Law

Under no circumstance do you root against your home team. Including but not restricted to: Rooting for a better draft pick. Rooting for a player on your fantasy team. Rooting for a player to be traded.

Home teams are defined by the local news network in which you watch. Whichever teams your local news network covers are your home teams. If you live in Podunk and have no major cities in your immediate area you are exempt; the fact is you probably like cock fights and sex with donkeys. In other words you watch NASCAR.

College Team Exception: Your home college team can be defined by the following guidelines: You are alumni, your home is located within the “local news” range of the school, you were too f’n dumb to get into the school but a savvier relative attended, you got drunk or engaged in sexual intercourse on the school campus. If you like the team color or logo or you’re just a damn frontrunner, you DO NOT qualify and must change accordingly.

SEC 2- Secondary teams

Each fan is allowed up to 2 secondary teams to root for. Teams must meet these qualifications: They are not in the same league as your home team (if you live in a national league town you must pick an American league team). Local News restrictions need not apply to secondary teams. They can not be a current champion. They can not be the latest rap video fad. They can not contain some thug jailbird that you think is “hard” or who “keeps it real”. The truth is they probably had sex with another man in prison. We’ve all seen the show OZ. Not that there’s anything wrong with that at all.

SEC 3- Degenerate Gamblers

IF you can’t afford to gamble, don’t. Buy a bottle of wine, go get a hooker, go streak city hall, get your old wife ass cheek implants. All of these other options are just as thrilling and allot cheaper. If you do decide to wager, never bet against the home team. If your wanna be swami ass thinks they will lose than don’t bet the game, you fat loser. You can route for teams that you wager on as long as they are not a rival of your home, or secondary teams. If the preceding is the case the degenerate must sit quietly with an occasional fist pump or John David Booty rump shaker dance. Wives and Girlfriends may not be wagered. We have all tried to give away our significant others in place of money or something we actually care about (like our big screen, or my Wonder Woman edition of Hustler). This is unacceptable, if one of your friends wished to engage in intercourse with your significant other they would have tried already. If they were smart they would wait till you go to the ATM to pay your bookie every Monday to snatch that booty.

If all of us loser sports fans follow these simple yet tyrannical rules we will stop terrorism. GOD BLESS THE REPUBLIC.

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