Pitching pitching and more bitching

June 6, 2006 | By Dallas Owens | Discuss

So here we are Philly, the first week of June and you've already sounded the alarm. Brace yourselves sheep, I actually agree with you this time. The Phillies are 4.5 games behind the Mets and only hold a 2.5 game lead over the eventual division winners, the Braves. In any other city, they would be optimistic, looking at a 4.5 game lead with one hundred some odd games to go as a good thing, but when you live in a dirt trap that grows rats the size of cattle, it's time to wave the white flag. Your Phillies can hit, oh yes, they can hit, but the problem lies on the mound. That's where the pitcher throws from for all you inbred, hardly literates that read this site.

Not only does the pitching suck, but you got Farmer Charlie pulling the strings. A deadly combination in any league. The Phillies are 11th in the league in pitching, which I guess isn't so bad considering they play in a $200 million shoe box. As everyone knows, in order to win in baseball, you need pitching. Good pitching. The Phillies have zero Cy Young award winners. Zero ERA leaders. And their only pitcher that has ever seen 20 wins (Jon Lieber) also has to wear a neck brace between starts from reacting to the 44 bombs he's given up in his 46 starts as a Phillie.

Let's look at the bright side. I know it's hard, you're used to the glass being half empty and cracked. That's what happens when you grow up in a slum and breast feed until you're thirteen. You have Brett Myers. Myers is a quality pitcher who makes quality starts. As a matter of fact, he's had 8 quality starts in his first 12 outings. Of course, Charlie Manuel, has only managed his way to 4 wins in those games. Great offense, great pitcher and four wins? If Charlie Manuel was my uncle. I would fit him for a helmet, lock him in the back bedroom, nail the door shut and slide him pita bread under the door. He's an embarrassment. You also have Tom Gordon. He's off to a great start and quickly made himself an elite closer in the NL. Then again, he also has an elbow that's held together by Bobbi pins and duct tape.

Let's look at the dark side. And I'll keep it short because I get bored talking about crappy baseball teams. The rest of the pitching staff sucks. You should probably trade Cole Hamels to the Cubs because he's already got the characteristics of Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. Great stuff and arm that Geno's apparently stuck on with Cheese Whiz. Ryan Madsen is a disaster. No wonder when he's a starter…no…a reliever…ok, he's a starter again, nope he's a reliever. Maybe Ol' Uncle Charlie would have a better idea of how to handle him if somebody slapped a John Deere emblem on his ass. Somebody should get Ryan Franklin in touch with Victor Conte. Apparently doing things clean doesn't suit him. Gavin Floyd, Julio Santana and Jon "Another Bomb" Lieber all need new addresses.

Here's where it gets comical. Since I started writing for this site last fall, all I have heard from you idiots is how awful Bobby Abreu is. "Bobby Abreu isn't clutch, Bobby Abreu is a stat padder, Bobby Abreu isn't a gamer." Now that you need a some major pitching help, you Neanderthals (our "boss" Dennis Bakay falls under this category) are all writing on message boards and e-mails to the site about how the Phils should trade Abreu for an ace pitcher. How much glue can one city collectively sniff? He's such a horrible player, but now you want to trade him for an "ace pitcher." How typical. This city's aggregate I.Q. is three digits. Why should anyone acquire a guy you crapped on for the last five years? Did someone hire Ed Wade? That's another thing, Ed Wade got run out of this city like he had cooties, yet that guy is responsible for you being as close to first place as you are. Rollins? Myers? Abreu? Burrell? Utley? Howard? Who made them Phillies? I guess it doesn't matter, the Braves will win the division anyhow.

Tell 'em Dallas told ya!

Contact Dallas Owens at dowens@phillypurge.com